I think that most people who know me would call me fiercely independent. Perhaps (ok, probably) a control freak as well. Those things have served me well in some ways, and kicked my ass in others. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times in my life with quite a bit of success. But right now I'm making a huge step towards controlling something in my life that I've never quite gotten a grip on - my health.
Now, I've lost weight successfully in the past. I can do it, it's not that hard really. But as easily as I lose it I gain it back with interest. I'm a cliche in that I've gained and lost the same 20 pounds dozens of times over the last couple of years. However, this is different. I no longer give a shit what I weigh. I'm not aiming for a number or a size. Instead I'm trying to reform my relationship with food. And oh boy, is it a well and truly messed up relationship.
I love to eat. I enjoy it immensely. I would do it 24 hours a day if I could. My ass can attest to this. When I lost a bunch (about 80) pounds ten years ago, I did it with Weight Watchers. WW works, it really does. However, what it allowed me to do was to still eat the same crap food I always ate and still lose. In lesser quantities, or with some of the ingredients substituted, but still the same nutritionally bankrupt food. So as soon as I stopped counting points, the pounds bounded back to me like a happily drooling puppy. This time I'm changing everything.
My husband and I are starting a juice fast tomorrow. And I'm scared absolutely shitless. I honestly feel like one of those heroine addicts on Intervention who has just been accosted by their entire family and are now headed to rehab. Seriously, I do. I feel like my best friend has been sentenced to death or something. I know how screwed up that is, but my dependance on food is HUGE. The terrifying this is that I don't even know how bad it is, but I know I'm about to face it head on and it's going to suck.
As of right now, I'm done eating for 10 days. At least. I would like to go 30 or more to really jump start this thing but we've set what we feel is a realistic initial goal of 10 days. I just finished a giant glass of chocolate milk and will soon go to bed. In the morning, and from then on, I will only be putting water and fresh vegetable juice in my body. And I don't expect my body to be very damn happy about it - at least at first.
I toyed with the idea of a video blog for this whole thing, but I can't stand looking at my face on camera, so why make you do it? Maybe I will start at some point, but for now this will be my sounding board. One thing we found was that it's easy to find a million people who have done a juice fast, but difficult to really find honest and detailed information about exactly what they did and how it affected them. That's what I'll try to make this, though I expect it to be a lot of venting and ranting. So be warned.
Also, if you couldn't tell, I have a potty mouth. I'd like to say I'll try to keep it clean but I'm giving up food for fucks sake, there's no way I'm giving up cussing. So deal with it or don't follow me on this journey. Because I'm quite sure there will be days when all I do is curse everything in my path. We shall see.
Tomorrow is the day. I'm going to break my addiction to sugar and carbs and train my body to heal itself and give it the fuel it needs to do so. I'm also going to lose my freaking mind. Aaaargh. Stay tuned.
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